Why

I pursued a referral from our ped regarding Nolans ridge on his forehead and his indented temples. I've noticed it more since he has lost of his first baby hair. Something was just telling me to pursue it, even though xrays at 2 months of age showed the sutures were not fused.

On Monday we went the Cleveland Clinic to meet a plastic surgeon. I expected he might tell us a helmet would help. I never expected to hear what he said. Nolan has cranial stenosis and would need surgery to correct it or he would face learning disabilities and an array of other issues.

Tuesday he was sedated for a CT scan to confirm the diagnosis. It did. Leaving him in that CT room alone were the hardest steps I've ever had to take. I kissed his little check and told my prince that I loved him and I'd be right outside waiting for him.

I looked up this surgery and I don't know how I will handle seeing my baby after surgery. It is going to be awful.

Why is this happening to us? Why can't I just enjoy the children I waited so long for? Why does he have to go thru this? He is such a sweet boy.

I just wanted their first christmas to be special and who knows where we will be. Nolan and I could be in the hospital and my Reagan will be wondering where her Mama and brother are.

Yes, I'm having a pity for me, for all four of us. It is not fair. I worked hard to get these kids here and I want to give them every opportunity to have a wonderful life, but why is it so painful?

I just want this over. If we could do surgery tomorrow, I would. I just can't handle looking at them and crying all day.